Follow Me and I'll Give You Money, Sex, and Fame

Just kidding. How about you follow me and give me money? Better yet, how about a nice offer for representation?

Well, I guess if I am going to gain any followers I'm just gonna have to do it the old fashion way: whit, sass, and occasional moments of frailty. I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Nick Sawatsky. Saw-At-Sky. That's fun, huh? I am sixteen eighteen twenty years old. Wowee, I had a harder time admitting to that than I did admitting I'm gay, which I am. Both in the happy sense and in the lemme hop on a dude sense. Was that too vulgar? Do people who read blogs dislike vulgarity? I feel like most blogs are about reading Sarah Dessen books or planting petunias. Actually, I watched an episode of 16 and Pregnant once and the pregnant sixteen year old had a blog all about being a pregnant sixteen year old. Do maternity stores sell prom dresses? Talk about vulgar.

Okay. More about me. I'm a starving novelist. Seriously. I'm starving. I barely eat anything. I once weighed in at 293 pounds. That was in August 2010. Since then I have dropped that shit like it hot. I dropped around 150 130 110 100 pounds of that mess. I guess it's because I did it the "right" way with "healthy food" (read: horribly bland and gross and man do I want an ice cream cake)  and elliptical/stationary bike love making. Sometimes I wish I was rich and glamorous like Lindsay Lohan so I could just snort my way to my ideal figure, but I don't have the dough for that.

I don't have the dough, because I am a Creative Writing major at Hiram College and kind of work at KFC. I say "kind of", because today my boss sat me down and made me sign my name at the bottom of a paragraph that described in detail what a horrendous worker I am. I guess it's a warning, but listen, I ain't even mad. Actually, I'm kind of sad. Who can't properly pack orders of fried chicken? Maybe it's because all the chemicals have warped the drumsticks to look like breasts and the thighs to look like my grease ridden future as a fast food manager instead of a lauded author. That kind of shit distracts a guy. Only good news, since I'm probably kicking that extra crispy bucket soon, I won't ever have to update my facebook employment section to "Manager at KFC." Is that even allowed? I feel like KFC managers shouldn't be allowed on facebook. Or the internet. Or the earth. So since that's out of the way, I guess I'll be homeless.

OR NOT. Because I am writing a novel. Guess what? You can't say you're writing a novel without sounding like a pretentious douche-bag. Go on, try it.

"I'm writing a novel," says my followers that do not exist.
"Oh, you sound like a douche. Keep following me, please," says Nick.

Alas, it's true. Saying "alas" will also make you sound like a douche. I am writing a novel. MY SECOND NOVEL TO BE PRECISE. This is because my first novel was a haphazard conundrum of dog guinea pig shit. Guinea pig shit is worse because it's small and unnoticeable. No one really pays attention to it. And that was novel #1. Your first novel will be guinea pig shit too. Well maybe not, but probably. However, in your desperate attempts to sell your gp poop to God The Devil literary agents, you will get schooled. You will learn the publishing industry inside and out. You will learn about writing being rewriting and criticism circles and query letters and publishing contracts and advances and ARCs and loathing towards all others that get their manuscripts turned into actual books. Hell, keep reading this blog. I might just tell you a thing or two about what I've learned, but I'm mostly here to be sassy and sarcastic so head over to guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog for the serious stuff.

I'm hungry so I'm going to go eat that nothing I've been looking forward to. Leave me comments. Follow me. Please. I'm a very nice boy that loves to read and also loves his mother.

Cliff notes: Nick Saw-At-Sky = Gay, used to be fat, KFC hate, writing book, literary agents, loves books and mom.

In the future I plan to blog about books, writing, losing weight, and the monotony of my life. Be there or be square.